Are You Valuable?

       This question has been haunting me all year long. Am I valuable? Does anyone want me? Would anyone really want to employ me?


       My question has been answered on multiple occasions and each time it has led to rejection…
So why? Why am I doing this anymore? Every time I get up and going, every time I let myself think that good things are going to happen, I get shoved back down, and almost worse than before… It hurts, like when you fall off your bike, and you skin your knee. Except the gravel sticks… and gets deep into your skin… Threatening infection. I have the wound… With memories substituting gravel, and it is definitely infected… It hurts so much. It makes me question the reality of what I am pursuing. Why? Why am I still pursuing this unreachable dream?

       Everyone has to put that one dream to rest, right? The person that has always want to be an actor may have to eventually put that dream to rest and go get a boring degree? Right? That happens… More often than it should… Right? Does my dream need to be put to sleep? How can I continue doing something that has not benefited me whatsoever? I can't, I shouldn't. It seems so unreasonable… But it's not that easy to just drop the only constant source of satisfaction in your life, even if, nearing the end, you receive no satisfaction at all. One thing I always knew I could do was dance, if nothing else, just let me dance, I would prove myself. Now, now I am ashamed to dance, it makes me miserable, there is always something I am doing wrong. I know it isn't right to crave the praise of your superiors… but what joy is there in doing something to the best of your ability if no one acknowledges that you even tried. I never wanted dance to become the one thing that brought me the most pain… It was supposed to be my escape from pain and emotions, where I could be me, and be happy about it. Now it has because my most violent critic. I didn't want dance to become my point of weakness. It was always my strength. When people ask me "Does dancing make you happy?" My answer is supposed to be yes, but inside my heart is screaming no… It used to be my dream… Now it is my nightmare.

       They say there is a light at the end of every tunnel. Well I got close to mine, and it turned out to be a low watt light bulb that flickered out the moment I stepped foot underneath it. My dream never experienced the sun. So I will put it to sleep… It has to be one of the most difficult things I will ever do.