You know how sometimes there are things you say, and you immediately regret saying them. You want to catch them out of the air and shove them back into your mouth and swallow… That is how I feel about my last post. Although I do have to the power to take it back, to erase it, to delete it. Some people may have already read it. It has been seen and people know how I felt, and although I am ashamed for what I said and felt, it was still apart of me at the time. An experience, emotions that I will learn from, something that has made me stronger and more mature. So, while I have the ability to take back my words, I will not.
Something amazing happened to me last night. Something that caused me to reevaluate my approach on everything I truly believed to be "the only way to go". In my last post I concluded with the light going out on my dream, giving it up to pursue more reasonable life achievements… And while that may still seem logical, and could very well happen, I will not let it define my future. If it happens, it happens… But I refuse to give up on my dream, why? Because I have handed it over to Him, and I take a step back from the control I told myself I had, because I am not strong enough to do it on my own. Therefore, for my dream to have its full potential, I need to hand over the steering wheel.
When I moved to my current residence, I was fortunate enough to meet a great group of young people my age who introduced me to a church, which I now attend on a regular basis. It was there, last night, at this church, that He shifted my heart. Now, some of you may be thinking "Oh great, she is religious.". I beg to differ, I am not religious. I am saved, saved by grace, and I have been given the wonderful gift of eternal life through His precious Son. Who also, gifted me with a passion for dance, but I do not own this gift anymore. I gave it back to him. Or rather, I am in the process of melting the ice cold grip I once believed could control my future, as long as I praised Him for it, after it was complete. So, I will tell the story that I can't stop thinking about, because, even though it just happened and it may seem silly to YOU, it really did change my life.
I was sitting next to my friends at church, listening to our pastor as he spoke on giving back what we have to the Lord, storing up our treasure in heaven, offering up our possessions to Him because He first gave to us. Now, normally I would have put my phone away in my purse, but for some reason this time around, I didn't. I left it on my lap, because normally during this time most of my friends and family know, I am in church and generally don't try to contact me until they know I will be able to talk. This time though, my phone started vibrating underneath my Bible in my lap. Naturally, I was curious to see who and what it was about. This totally threw me off, and I couldn't get my concentration back… All of a sudden, I was in this weird haze… I put my head in my hands and rested my elbows on my knees, trying to regain concentration, but it wasn't working. I could barely hear anything other than the muffled voice of my pastor. It was like someone had cupped their hands over my ears, or I was at that stage in an air plane flight where you get that bad popping and can barely here what people are saying around you. I was quite frustrated but also, oddly calm. Then, all of a sudden, my hearing came back, clearer than I've really ever been able to hear, loud and crisp "Let go of your gift, that one thing that you believe defines who you are. Hand it over to Him, because he can't perfect it until you let go.". Let it sink in… It's almost as if someone whispered that in my ear. Just let it sink it… Wow.
So the tears began to stream down my face.. So much so that when they hit my notebook, the paper didn't have enough time to soak up the moisture and the tears were LITERALLY rolling off the paper. (I cry a lot…) So I sit there thinking, for months I have been struggling with anxiety and depression over this "dream" this one thing that is supposed to make me happy… And seemingly every door has been slammed in my face to make this "dreams'" future next to impossible… Until I hear those crisp clear words… and my heart throbs with the realization. He wasn't "Shutting the door in my face". He was asking me to let go. To give him full control, instead of expecting him to make everything happen the way I wanted it to, while still holding onto my dream. This dream, I let it define me. It WAS me, I was "the ballet dancer" that's what I associated myself with as many others did. I was so afraid of this dream, so much so that I let it control me, my self image, my eating, my discipline… It controlled me, while I thought I was controlling it. When things didn't go my way, I blamed God. I was angry with him. I screamed at him in my mind, I made sure to let him know how much I disapproved of what he was "doing to me", not realizing He was doing it FOR me. I even made sure my mom knew how upset with Him I was, can you imagine, being upset with the maker of the universe?
But then I realized, I always praised Him when something went "according to plan", my plan, but I never asked him for his will to be done in any situation, because I wanted stuff to happen my way. I wanted to direct my own future. I always just assumed that as long as I didn't give myself credit when it happened, I would be fine… but I would still continue on, on my own… That is not the way it is supposed to work… In order for the gifts He gives us to blossom fully, we need to let go of the tight grip we hold on the roots… Let him shape our gifts into his craftsmanship… Because what is more perfect and beautiful than a gift that has been crafted by the hand of the creator? Nothing. Duh. Yeah, maybe my pastors message wasn't geared towards "dreams", but God used THIS message to shift me in my seat.
So now here I stand… My cold, frozen, steel fingers clenching this dream, lifted high. In order for him to pry them open, and help me realize what my dream can truly be… All the anger, the tears, and the rejection built up to this beautiful lesson that I have finally heard… after blocking it out for so long.
It's not just my dream, it's His GIFT.
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