Continuation.

So, yesterday I went to physical therapy. And it's funny, because not only does my therapist do physical therapy on me, he also does mental. Which is nice. I really enjoy going to physical therapy because he doesn't say "Can't" he doesn't "Try" he just listens, and puts his 2 cents in when I ask for it. Also, I danced last night…and it was an amazing feeling…even after just 2 days of sitting out, taking class again was just a refreshment, just another nudge to keep going. Barely anytime off and I missed it that much. I kept saying to myself "Ok this is my last combination, no turns, ok this is it. No jumps!" But of course I couldn't stop my heart from wanting to dance, do I did turn and I did jump. Because what is the point on putting a leash on a Lion or a Bear or something. Hah, same as what is the point of limiting how much I dance. So all in all yesterday was a good day, tonight we have our quarterly evaluations, and everyone is nervous, I don't know what for their really not that big of a deal. But we will see how this pans out, especially because there are only 4 of us who are in our second year in Acad. 2 which is the highest level. So much of our time is dedicated to dance. It's amazing that we have normal lives, and that we don't sleep and eat at the studios, though we do sleep eat and breathe dance.

When It Unravels.

Everyone one says "keep going! Don't give up!" I say "Look at it from my perspective" Nearly a year now, without pain relief, remember when it was simple, just skipping across the floor? Remember when you first   started learning balances? Your teacher repeating "DOWN, up, down, DOWN, up down."
I do, I miss those simple days, when the only reason you danced was because it made you happy. But now it seems like there is more to dancing then just doing it to make yourself happy…you do it because you have to, because its become your OCD, everything needs to be better, everything needs to be perfect. But it shouldn't be that way, it should be just for the love of it. All dancers know this, but it is so difficult to change a mindset that is all you have known since you decided that it's what you want to do. I am trying to change the way I look at my dancing, but it will never change, in my mind it will still be horrible and probably is. But thats why I do it. Not to look horrible, but because there is always something to fix. I have found that I like fixing things…fixing friendships, fixing other peoples problems (which its probably not a good idea). I'd love to "Keep going!" but…what if I keep going, ruin my career, and have nothing left. I want to go back to the simple days. Pre-ballet, I really miss you. You started this wildfire… It can't be put out, or muted, but hopefully it can be harnessed. Life was much easier as a 4 year-old. Can we please just all go back?

Unfortunate reality of dance.

So here is the unfortunate reality, "Some day, your body is going to get back at you for beating it into perfection." for a lot of dancers this day stays away for a long time and they have great careers…but for the rest of the population this is not the case. I am in the rest of the population. Early on in 2010 I "sprained" my ankle, although, I do not remember this ever happening, x-rays and MRI don't lie, also the MRI showed that I have built up arthritis in my ankle, though this was hard for me to believe then…I see it now. This all by the way was only in my left ankle at the time. I spent the whole entire summer of 2010 at Boston Ballet's summer dance program, in and out of the doctors office in and out of the physicals therapy office… taking every class I could (which ended up being a minimum of…maybe 3 or 4 a week). Even though I had an amazing time in Boston but I realize now that all I was doing there was wasting my time and my parents money. When I got back from Boston I thought i could get better. By only taking a few classes here and there, not everyday, to keep in shape. When summer break came to an end and the fall semester and Milwaukee Ballet started up again, I knew that only a couple classes was to much, but I didn't admit it. So once again I tried to dance thru the pain, thinking…hoping and praying that it would go away. But I wasn't going to stop dancing. I wasn't going to stop trying, because all i have ever wanted to do is dance, to perform in front of an audience…to make my family proud of me. So I did. The school's version of the Nutcracker rolled around and I was cast as the Sugar Plum Fairy, a role I couldn't turn down (but should have) it was a great experience. One I have always dreamed of, the star of the show. But it was to much for my ankle, months of physical therapy, have passes, along with 2 weeks of winter break in which I sat around the whole time, with no improvement. Ballet has started up again, and a few weeks have passed… it got better for a little while, and Wednesday of this week, everything fell apart, and now my problem is not so much my left ankle but now, my right, so much so that it hurts to walk, it hurt when I'm sitting, it even hurts when I'm asleep. my good foot my working foot, the foot that was probably the only thing keeping me going has now buckled under pressure, and s begging me to stop. And now, slowly, its eating away at my mind and heart that "even though you may love something, even though its your life, even though you might be great at it, you're not meant to. Even worse, you're not built to." Maybe I'm not meant to be a ballerina, maybe I'm not built to be, maybe I AM built to sit behind a desk for the rest of my life. Maybe its time for me to wake up from my fairytale, wake up to reality and give up my dream to dance, because it seems…that I am becoming more of a burden then a person. More of a whiner then a dancer. And that is something I don't want to see myself become. But it seems it will be more painful to  let it go then to keep at it. Maybe I'm not as tough as I thought.

This is what it's about.

       In a world where one of the top clothing designers isn't Armani but rather Yumiko Leotards, where your job is not to sit behind a desk all day and answer phone calls, but to spend your entire day in a studio sweating like crazy. In a world where rather then buying that new pair of stilettos your buying 6 new pairs of pointe shoes, where a little girls most exciting moment is not putting on lipstick for the first time but putting on a tutu for the first time. In a world where rather then being surrounded by cubicle walls you are surrounded by mirrors and barres. When you take off your pointe shoes and your feet have turned into a mass of blisters and calluses and you are proud of yourself.
When you first realize how it feels to be a princess, when you put on your pointe shoes, put stage make up on your face, and step into your pancake tutu and your prince walks you onto the stage and all eyes are on you.
      Ballet is my life, I have been dancing for 11 years now, I have never done anything else, no sports just ballet. My friends and I have a very strong bond, we are with each other every day, from 6:14-9pm and on saturdays sometimes 9:30-6. A big set back to high school dancers is often "I don't get home til 10 so I am up til 3 am doing homework." and that is the dedication of a dancer. This is just my first post, so basically I am just setting the scene of a dancers life so people understand the commitment. We dancers find it frustrating when people try to make ballet seem like such an easy thing, like there is nothing special or challenging about it, but i also think the only reason people try to make it look that way is because when they see a dancer…everything the dancer does is with gracefulness and ease. Because we strive for perfection, but just because we can do something, doesn't mean it's perfect, it means it could be much much better.