I've been wanting to post about this for quite some time, but I wasn't sure because of a long list of reasons-
A. How soon is too soon?
B. What will people think of me?
C. What will my Ex- peers think of me? (Not that that matters)
D. Is it too personal?
At the end of last summer (2013), I made the painful decision to retire from my career as a ballet dancer. Now, think what you will that I never went pro so I can't call it a career nor can I rightfully say I retired, but my thought is this - when you devote your time to a personal talent that sways your life decisions, causes you to change the anatomy you're born with and to move from state to state while not working at a "normal" job, you have a right to "retire" from your "career".
And now that you know how I feel about those two words... Let's move on.
As I said earlier, my decision to quit was painful, I still look at it with hurt in my heart because for so long I had dreamed that I would succeed. Most of the time I hear myself thinking that I gave up, my pride was hurt and I couldn't get passed it. That I was strong enough to compete and that I failed, but the sad reality is this, I was no longer dancing for the love of it, but because it was the only thing I knew. By that I mean, when I tell people I am going off to college, I hear a tone of disappointment, I hear "she gave up and failed" in their voice (I may be paranoid). One person even went as far as to actually TELL me that they couldn't picture me doing anything else and that I should reconsider. Being the person that I am I felt that this was a low blow. You can picture me doing anything else? Well, watch this! Even so, it go me thinking... What COULD I do? What WAS I good at? Who AM I?
So take a step back, and look at it from a larger view. A dancers life is spent in the studio, with the same people, for, hopefully, multiple years. Everyday is spent with the same people, same peers, same authority. Everyone knows your ins and outs, because in ballet you are forced to get to know one another, whether you like it or not. If you don't, it doesn't work, it messes with the dynamic. So, you develop these tight knit, interwoven friendships and relationships that are on a much more personal, deeper level. You have the same schedule as these people, so when you're not IN the studio with them, you're OUT of the studio with them. Let's be honest, in the normal world of normal people, how often do your schedules with your best friends or significant others, line up perfectly? Uhhh... Unless it's a planned vaca, I'd say never (And I know this now, I've been in the normal world with normal people for a year.). So then you're forced to work THAT much hard to keep friendships and relationships afloat... It takes work and time, but it gets hard when you just never had a choice before.
I know that to my friends and family, I was "The dancer", that's what I did. It's what I was good at, it's all they ever saw me do. But then it became my own definition. To myself I became "the dancer" and that was it. That was all I saw myself as, I put all my self worth and self value into self defined dancer. If you were to ask me, in a very serious manner, what I was to myself as a person, I would say a ballet dancer. Today my answer would be much different. When I think about the things that I did to MAKE myself what ballet wanted me to be it makes me cringe. But what, what does a dancer have after their career? A hole in their chest.... That's what I would say. A hole that nothing can truly fill. When you give up everything for something, and then it doesn't work out... It's gonna be rough. It's gonna take a toll on your emotions... Some days I am the happiest I've ever been, because I don't have to worry about ballet... Other days I find myself crying in my room, telling myself to go take classes and get back into shape. One of my teachers once said that stepping back from ballet is "like divorce". I've never been through a divorce... but I'm just going to assume that she wasn't that far off... I still don't know who I am, I still can't define myself... I still look in the mirror and wish that I was different, for the sake of my old dream. I still get out my leotards and try to go to class... then I put them away. But I have made a decision to pursue a new dream. And I can't wait to see how it unfolds, it is totally new and different, and I am going in blind. As does everyone who begins a new journey... Mine just feels uncomfortable. When I see old peers, or hear from other fellow dancers, I feel that I have let them down, I feel like I have let my family down... Like everyone who was rooting for me to succeed just looks at me with lower standards... That's not who I want to be. But I don't want to be what dancing made me...
I am choosing to make a new name for myself. One that doesn't make me feel as if I would lose my identity if I were to lose it.
Tomorrow if you were to ask me who I am, I wouldn't respond with "a ballet dancer" or "a retired dancer." I would respond with "a girl with new dreams."
As I said earlier, my decision to quit was painful, I still look at it with hurt in my heart because for so long I had dreamed that I would succeed. Most of the time I hear myself thinking that I gave up, my pride was hurt and I couldn't get passed it. That I was strong enough to compete and that I failed, but the sad reality is this, I was no longer dancing for the love of it, but because it was the only thing I knew. By that I mean, when I tell people I am going off to college, I hear a tone of disappointment, I hear "she gave up and failed" in their voice (I may be paranoid). One person even went as far as to actually TELL me that they couldn't picture me doing anything else and that I should reconsider. Being the person that I am I felt that this was a low blow. You can picture me doing anything else? Well, watch this! Even so, it go me thinking... What COULD I do? What WAS I good at? Who AM I?
So take a step back, and look at it from a larger view. A dancers life is spent in the studio, with the same people, for, hopefully, multiple years. Everyday is spent with the same people, same peers, same authority. Everyone knows your ins and outs, because in ballet you are forced to get to know one another, whether you like it or not. If you don't, it doesn't work, it messes with the dynamic. So, you develop these tight knit, interwoven friendships and relationships that are on a much more personal, deeper level. You have the same schedule as these people, so when you're not IN the studio with them, you're OUT of the studio with them. Let's be honest, in the normal world of normal people, how often do your schedules with your best friends or significant others, line up perfectly? Uhhh... Unless it's a planned vaca, I'd say never (And I know this now, I've been in the normal world with normal people for a year.). So then you're forced to work THAT much hard to keep friendships and relationships afloat... It takes work and time, but it gets hard when you just never had a choice before.
I know that to my friends and family, I was "The dancer", that's what I did. It's what I was good at, it's all they ever saw me do. But then it became my own definition. To myself I became "the dancer" and that was it. That was all I saw myself as, I put all my self worth and self value into self defined dancer. If you were to ask me, in a very serious manner, what I was to myself as a person, I would say a ballet dancer. Today my answer would be much different. When I think about the things that I did to MAKE myself what ballet wanted me to be it makes me cringe. But what, what does a dancer have after their career? A hole in their chest.... That's what I would say. A hole that nothing can truly fill. When you give up everything for something, and then it doesn't work out... It's gonna be rough. It's gonna take a toll on your emotions... Some days I am the happiest I've ever been, because I don't have to worry about ballet... Other days I find myself crying in my room, telling myself to go take classes and get back into shape. One of my teachers once said that stepping back from ballet is "like divorce". I've never been through a divorce... but I'm just going to assume that she wasn't that far off... I still don't know who I am, I still can't define myself... I still look in the mirror and wish that I was different, for the sake of my old dream. I still get out my leotards and try to go to class... then I put them away. But I have made a decision to pursue a new dream. And I can't wait to see how it unfolds, it is totally new and different, and I am going in blind. As does everyone who begins a new journey... Mine just feels uncomfortable. When I see old peers, or hear from other fellow dancers, I feel that I have let them down, I feel like I have let my family down... Like everyone who was rooting for me to succeed just looks at me with lower standards... That's not who I want to be. But I don't want to be what dancing made me...
I am choosing to make a new name for myself. One that doesn't make me feel as if I would lose my identity if I were to lose it.
Tomorrow if you were to ask me who I am, I wouldn't respond with "a ballet dancer" or "a retired dancer." I would respond with "a girl with new dreams."
S.L.S
(The Blue Ballerina)
