Moving On With Gratitude

This may seem like a random post, but I have recently learned that no one who has made an impact on someones life should go without recognition. We can't get through life without help from others.



        We all know that there are people in our lives that teach us valuable lessons. They help us learn and grow, they encourage our strengths and help us through our weaknesses. In ballet my life was filled with these people. People who taught me how to use what I have learned to go far in my career. I recently have been feeling that I want these people to know what they meant to me and thank them. Anyone who makes a difference in someones life should  be made aware of the fact that they had an impact.

    I want to start with the woman who was there teaching me how to point, skip, and who was there teaching me how to dance on my toes. Miss McCloud- loud and beautiful. No tolerance for laziness, taking every opportunity to encourage and laugh with her students. She is the type of teachers who deserves to have her efforts rewarded, pouring into her students the knowledge she has gained over the years. I only hope that I did justice to that knowledge.

       Jenny- Though she wasn't my teacher often, I never forgot the one thing she stressed... To perfect the simple things. That going back to the basics is often more challenging then learning new tricks. For such a soft and gentle woman she left quite a mark on my approach to ballet.

       Mr. Karl. He taught that not only does Ballet require strength and hard work, but also discipline and respect. Although I may have had witty comebacks for him at times, I never lost my respect. He taught his students not to let failure hinder our drive. That there really was no such thing as failure, just an opportunity to improve. Even though I dreaded his petite allegro on Saturday mornings, i never got tired of his determination never to let up on me.

       Mireille- The teacher who was probably with my the longest though my higher levels. She was also there encouraging me through my lows. The type of teacher who never gave up on her students, even though they often gave her grief. She was the type of teacher that you worked your butt off for. Because knowing that she was proud of you was somehow a satisfying triumph. Even when she was frustrated with her students, I knew that she still wanted to see them succeed. Though often times she watched in silence, you knew it was because at the end of the music, she had many things to show, and to teach.

       Miss Goodman- Though I only got to be under her teaching for a year, I learned more than I thought I still needed to learn. Another teacher who knew how important the basics were. Who knew what it looked like to see her students low, and who knew what to say to raise them high. I not only speak for myself, but my beautiful friend Rika when I say that Miss Goodman made success a thing around the corner. She pushed for us to be better than our greatest, and that there was somewhere that we belonged. Encouraging us not to be defeated, and that she wouldn't let us give up. And she didn't I have so much appreciation for this woman and I hope she knows how much her words meant to me.


       I know that this is probably the corniest thing you will read this week. But all of these people have made an impact on my life. And even though the lessons they taught me may have taken place in the studio... I have carried them with me into the world and I want them to know, the lessons they teach never stop teaching. Thank you, so much.

Do what You Dream of.

                    How would you explain the feelings you got, the closer you got to your dream?


       Ok, this is the third time I have tried to write this post,. Every time I start, I change my concept.
It is starting to get frustrating haha.


       Everyone has dreams. No matter how old you are, you have some kind of dream. Something to reach for in the future. It's exciting and frightening all at once. Imagine being able to do what you love, saying that you've made it. It almost makes the getting there seem meaningless until you reach it.  Take college for example. If I were to be brutally honest with you, I would say that I'm not really that pumped about spending, hopefully no more than, 4 years listening to lectures, reading (or not reading) hundreds of dollars worth of textbooks. If I didn't think it would help me get to where I want to be, I wouldn't be here. Please don't misunderstand what I have just stated. I am really enjoying college, and learning, and the atmosphere that surrounds me. But if I had things my way, I would have skipped all this and gone straight into the field, taking photos of the Northern Lights, Mountain goats... or villages in Africa. Honestly, just talking about it excites me. Because I know in my heart that some day I will make it there.

       When you talk about your dreams, your eyes should light up, and for the 5 minutes, or however long you speak about it, the people listening to your words should almost feel that your dream is their own. It should be a feeling that is so strong that you want to laugh because of how amazing your dream is. It doesn't really matter what it is. You should, and probably can, see it happening before your eyes. Maybe it is just a short trip to Alaska? Or maybe it is your future job. Maybe its even your current situation. But what ever it is. Love it. It's YOUR dream. It has to be amazing. No matter what it is, its yours.... You should be ecstatic. It's the kind of thing you live for... The moments that make you want, feel, and live.

When You Lose Your Definition.

             Who am I now?

       I've been wanting to post about this for quite some time, but I wasn't sure because of a long list of reasons-
       A. How soon is too soon?
       B. What will people think of me?
       C. What will my Ex- peers think of me? (Not that that matters)
       D. Is it too personal?

       At the end of last summer (2013), I made the painful decision to retire from my career as a ballet dancer. Now, think what you will that I never went pro so I can't call it a career nor can I rightfully say I retired, but my thought is this - when you devote your time to a personal talent that sways your life decisions, causes you to change the anatomy you're born with and to move from state to state  while not working at a "normal" job, you have a right to "retire" from your "career". 

And now that you know how I feel about those two words... Let's move on.

       As I said earlier, my decision to quit was painful, I still look at it with hurt in my heart because for so long I had dreamed that I would succeed. Most of the time I hear myself thinking that I gave up, my pride was hurt and I couldn't get passed it. That I was strong enough to compete and that I failed, but the sad reality is this, I was no longer dancing for the love of it, but because it was the only thing I knew. By that I mean, when I tell people I am going off to college, I hear a tone of disappointment, I hear "she gave up and failed" in their voice (I may be paranoid). One person even went as far as to actually TELL me that they couldn't picture me doing anything else and that I should reconsider. Being the person that I am I felt that this was a low blow. You can picture me doing anything else? Well, watch this! Even so, it go me thinking... What COULD I do? What WAS I good at? Who AM I?

           So take a step back, and look at it from a larger view. A dancers life is spent in the studio, with the same people, for, hopefully, multiple years. Everyday is spent with the same people, same peers, same authority. Everyone knows your ins and outs, because in ballet you are forced to get to know one another, whether you like it or not. If you don't, it doesn't work, it messes with the dynamic. So, you develop these tight knit, interwoven friendships and relationships that are on a much more personal, deeper level. You have the same schedule as these people, so when you're not IN the studio with them, you're OUT of the studio with them. Let's be honest, in the normal world of normal people, how often do your schedules with your best friends or significant others, line up perfectly? Uhhh... Unless it's a planned vaca, I'd say never (And I know this now, I've been in the normal world with normal people for a year.). So then you're forced to work THAT much hard to keep friendships and relationships afloat... It takes work and time, but it gets hard when you just never had a choice before.

       I know that to my friends and family, I was "The dancer", that's what I did. It's what I was good at, it's all they ever saw me do. But then it became my own definition. To myself I became "the dancer" and that was it. That was all I saw myself as, I put all my self worth and self value into self defined dancer. If you were to ask me, in a very serious manner, what I was to myself as a person, I would say a ballet dancer. Today my answer would be much different. When I think about the things that I did to MAKE myself what ballet wanted me to be it makes me cringe. But what, what does a dancer have after their career? A hole in their chest.... That's what I would say. A hole that nothing can truly fill. When you give up everything for something, and then it doesn't work out... It's gonna be rough. It's gonna take a toll on your emotions... Some days I am the happiest I've ever been, because I don't have to worry about ballet... Other days I find myself crying in my room, telling myself to go take classes and get back into shape. One of my teachers once said that stepping back from ballet is "like divorce". I've never been through a divorce... but I'm just going to assume that she wasn't that far off... I still don't know who I am, I still can't define myself... I still look in the mirror and wish that I was different, for the sake of my old dream. I still get out my leotards and try to go to class... then I put them away. But I have made a decision to pursue a new dream. And I can't wait to see how it unfolds, it is totally new and different, and I am going in blind. As does everyone who begins a new journey... Mine just feels uncomfortable. When I see old peers, or hear from other fellow dancers, I feel that I have let them down, I feel like I have let my family down... Like everyone who was rooting for me to succeed just looks at me with lower standards... That's not who I want to be. But I don't want to be what dancing made me...



      I am choosing to make a new name for myself. One that doesn't make me feel as if I would lose my identity if I were to lose it.
        Tomorrow if you were to ask me who I am, I wouldn't respond with "a ballet dancer" or "a retired dancer." I would respond with "a girl with new dreams." 

S.L.S
(The Blue Ballerina)

     

And Then It Shifts.

A shift happens, views change, and motivation is restored.

       You know how sometimes there are things you say, and you immediately regret saying them. You want to catch them out of the air and shove them back into your mouth and swallow… That is how I feel about my last post. Although I do have to the power to take it back, to erase it, to delete it. Some people may have already read it. It has been seen and people know how I felt, and although I am ashamed for what I said and felt, it was still apart of me at the time. An experience, emotions that I will learn from, something that has made me stronger and more mature. So, while I have the ability to take back my words, I will not.

       Something amazing happened to me last night. Something that caused me to reevaluate my approach on everything I truly believed to be "the only way to go". In my last post I concluded with the light going out on my dream, giving it up to pursue more reasonable life achievements… And while that may still seem logical, and could very well happen, I will not let it define my future. If it happens, it happens… But I refuse to give up on my dream, why? Because I have handed it over to Him, and I take a step back from the control I told myself I had, because I am not strong enough to do it on my own. Therefore, for my dream to have its full potential, I need to hand over the steering wheel.

       When I moved to my current residence, I was fortunate enough to meet a great group of young people my age who introduced me to a church, which I now attend on a regular basis. It was there, last night, at this church, that He shifted my heart. Now, some of you may be thinking "Oh great, she is religious.". I beg to differ, I am not religious. I am saved, saved by grace, and I have been given the wonderful gift of eternal life through His precious Son. Who also, gifted me with a passion for dance, but I do not own this gift anymore. I gave it back to him. Or rather, I am in the process of melting the ice cold grip I once believed could control my future, as long as I praised Him for it, after it was complete. So, I will tell the story that I can't stop thinking about, because, even though it just happened and it may seem silly to YOU, it really did change my life.

       I was sitting next to my friends at church, listening to our pastor as he spoke on giving back what we have to the Lord, storing up our treasure in heaven, offering up our possessions to Him because He first gave to us. Now, normally I would have put my phone away in my purse, but for some reason this time around, I didn't. I left it on my lap, because normally during this time most of my friends and family know, I am in church and generally don't try to contact me until they know I will be able to talk. This time though, my phone started vibrating underneath my Bible in my lap. Naturally, I was curious to see who and what it was about. This totally threw me off, and I couldn't get my concentration back… All of a sudden, I was in this weird haze… I put my head in my hands and rested my elbows on my knees, trying to regain concentration, but it wasn't working. I could barely hear anything other than the muffled voice of my pastor. It was like someone had cupped their hands over my ears, or I was at that stage in an air plane flight where you get that bad popping and can barely here what people are saying around you. I was quite frustrated but also, oddly calm. Then, all of a sudden, my hearing came back, clearer than I've really ever been able to hear, loud and crisp "Let go of your gift, that one thing that you believe defines who you are. Hand it over to Him, because he can't perfect it until you let go.". Let it sink in… It's almost as if someone whispered that in my ear. Just let it sink it… Wow.

       So the tears began to stream down my face.. So much so that when they hit my notebook, the paper didn't have enough time to soak up the moisture and the tears were LITERALLY rolling off the paper. (I cry a lot…) So I sit there thinking, for months I have been struggling with anxiety and depression over this "dream" this one thing that is supposed to make me happy… And seemingly every door has been slammed in my face to make this "dreams'" future next to impossible… Until I hear those crisp clear words… and my heart throbs with the realization. He wasn't "Shutting the door in my face". He was asking me to let go. To give him full control, instead of expecting him to make everything happen the way I wanted it to, while still holding onto my dream. This dream, I let it define me. It WAS me, I was "the ballet dancer" that's what I associated myself with as many others did. I was so afraid of this dream, so much so that I let it control me, my self image, my eating, my discipline… It controlled me, while I thought I was controlling it. When things didn't go my way, I blamed God. I was angry with him. I screamed at him in my mind, I made sure to let him know how much I disapproved of what he was "doing to me", not realizing He was doing it FOR me. I even made sure my mom knew how upset with Him I was, can you imagine, being upset with the maker of the universe? 

       But then I realized, I always praised Him when something went "according to plan", my plan, but I never asked him for his will to be done in any situation, because I wanted stuff to happen my way. I wanted to direct my own future. I always just assumed that as long as I didn't give myself credit when it happened, I would be fine… but I would still continue on, on my own… That is not the way it is supposed to work… In order for the gifts He gives us to blossom fully, we need to let go of the tight grip we hold on the roots… Let him shape our gifts into his craftsmanship… Because what is more perfect and beautiful than a gift that has been crafted by the hand of the creator? Nothing. Duh. Yeah, maybe my pastors message wasn't geared towards "dreams", but God used THIS message to shift me in my seat.

       So now here I stand… My cold, frozen, steel fingers clenching this dream, lifted high. In order for him to pry them open, and help me realize what my dream can truly be… All the anger, the tears, and the rejection built up to this beautiful lesson that I have finally heard… after blocking it out for so long. 

It's not just my dream, it's His GIFT.

Are You Valuable?

       This question has been haunting me all year long. Am I valuable? Does anyone want me? Would anyone really want to employ me?


       My question has been answered on multiple occasions and each time it has led to rejection…
So why? Why am I doing this anymore? Every time I get up and going, every time I let myself think that good things are going to happen, I get shoved back down, and almost worse than before… It hurts, like when you fall off your bike, and you skin your knee. Except the gravel sticks… and gets deep into your skin… Threatening infection. I have the wound… With memories substituting gravel, and it is definitely infected… It hurts so much. It makes me question the reality of what I am pursuing. Why? Why am I still pursuing this unreachable dream?

       Everyone has to put that one dream to rest, right? The person that has always want to be an actor may have to eventually put that dream to rest and go get a boring degree? Right? That happens… More often than it should… Right? Does my dream need to be put to sleep? How can I continue doing something that has not benefited me whatsoever? I can't, I shouldn't. It seems so unreasonable… But it's not that easy to just drop the only constant source of satisfaction in your life, even if, nearing the end, you receive no satisfaction at all. One thing I always knew I could do was dance, if nothing else, just let me dance, I would prove myself. Now, now I am ashamed to dance, it makes me miserable, there is always something I am doing wrong. I know it isn't right to crave the praise of your superiors… but what joy is there in doing something to the best of your ability if no one acknowledges that you even tried. I never wanted dance to become the one thing that brought me the most pain… It was supposed to be my escape from pain and emotions, where I could be me, and be happy about it. Now it has because my most violent critic. I didn't want dance to become my point of weakness. It was always my strength. When people ask me "Does dancing make you happy?" My answer is supposed to be yes, but inside my heart is screaming no… It used to be my dream… Now it is my nightmare.

       They say there is a light at the end of every tunnel. Well I got close to mine, and it turned out to be a low watt light bulb that flickered out the moment I stepped foot underneath it. My dream never experienced the sun. So I will put it to sleep… It has to be one of the most difficult things I will ever do.

If It Feels Right

           

       What does that even mean?

       If it feels right? I don't know really… It's a weird title. You know how, when you are dancing, and the teacher gives you a correction but says not to look in the mirror, and just feel it? I guess that's what I am getting at… Don't look in the mirror to correct yourself… Who you see, and who others see are two completely different people sometimes. It's not easy to keep your self-judgment at a minimal, especially in the ballet world, but don't deny people the opportunity to encourage you.

       Self- image…
It's a dilemma… Everything you do is wrong, everything you say is wrong… To who? Yourself… Yes, you are wrong often, to other people, but to yourself, everything is wrong. It's such a problem. One that isn't easily fixed. You look at the food on your plate and wonder why you are eating. You look at the clothes in your drawer and wonder why they are so big. So you try your hardest to change that part of YOU. You wake up and look in the mirror, you hate what you see. You slather foundation on your face to cover up "flaws", you put powder on your eyes to make them "pop". Does this feel right? Does it?

       So what do you do? You keep abusing yourself, mentally and physically. You don't eat, you can't sleep. You never leave the house without makeup, no one sees you for you, and if anyone does, you shut them out. You alienate yourself from them, you hide "you" and fake "her". What is this? It's a world of artificial perfection. It all seems to make a difference, like it is doing you good… But is it? No… It may be doing even more damage. Does it feel right? It starts to… Soon, you will look at yourself in the mirror, and your "normal" will be "powdered perfection" with a hint of red lips… If it feels right… It shouldn't… but it does, and that is frightening…

       Don't listen to the voice that tells you you're not good enough. It's lying. Don't give in to the temptation to starve your body. It's unhealthy. Don't let the mirror tell you that you aren't beautiful. You are. Don't look to people to satisfy your needs. They never will. Easier said than done… but please, try… Keep trying. Don't let go of the drive to be perfectly you… Does it feel right yet?

The "New Girl" syndrome.

       It's been a long couple weeks, time for some ramblings.      


  

       It's your first day at a new studio. You walk into the room and it goes quiet. You put your stuff down on the side of the room, put your ballet shoes on, and leave to go to the locker room, the whole time, all eyes are on you.

       I call it the new girl syndrome, also known as competition sighted. Any ballet dancer will tell you that the ballet world is cut-throat. Whether you like it or not, you're always going to be looked at as another piece of meat for people to bite at. I've seen it at every studio I have ever been to. A new girl walks into the room and everyone stops and stares. "Is she good? Is she better than me? How old is she? Where is she from. She can't stand there, that's my spot. The teacher likes he more than me.", no one likes to be the new girl. It's scary and intimidating, especially when you don't know what you are up against. It's so hard, I know how it feels to be the "new girl" most ballerinas do, and its not fun. 

       So how do you overcome this? Some girls use it to their advantage, some crumble under the the pressure. You have to be able to get around the glares. There are certain things to help you break the ice, almost like an initiation. Sometimes all it takes is a simple joke, a statement about a teacher, about how your class went, and sometimes you may just earn respect because of your dancing. Soon enough you are part of the group, and another piece of fresh meat walks in and it starts all over again. Being the "new girl" many times before, it is interesting to watch from the sidelines, it's also pretty sad. People judge someone before they even know the persons name, granted they may get lucky and make an accurate assumption, but give the girl a chance… No, there is no room for chances, or second chances. Once an opinion is formed, it sticks, until that person proves otherwise, which, if they have basically been shunned from the group, doesn't happen very often. 

       Even after you've "made the cut" you are still being judged, whether by your peers, or superiors… There is so much stress to prove yourself, so much sleep lost thinking of what you can do better or fix tomorrow. So much time is spent worrying if you said the wrong thing yesterday to someone that could turn your life into a living hell, what if you said something that could be taken out of context, or that could mutate into something that could be very bad for you. You'd think that this kind of stuff wouldn't really matter because all we care about is the "ballet" part of this competitive world… We should just be concerned about ourselves and our dancing and how we can improve, not what other people think. Ha… no. That's impossible. In my opinion, if you don't care what other people think, then why are you in ballet? The whole entire focus of ballet is to perform for an audience, and when the audience leaves you want them to think, "Wow, that was great, those dancers were beautiful". When you take class you want the teacher to see you and praise you for your hard work, and if they don't you want them to correct your mistakes. When you are dancing, you want the people around you to like you, to like what they see and to be impressed by your skill. Dancers care about what other people think, there is no way around it. It doesn't matter under what circumstances, you want people to be impressed. Whenever a dancer says to you, "Oh I really don't care what she thinks about me" They are lying. I've said it, I would know. It's not true at all. 

       It's this constant need to feel wanted, to feel useful, to feel accepted, and to be successful. It's what drives us to do well. If someone goes to long without one or more of these things, there is a nagging sensation at the back of their brain, then it becomes something stronger, and soon they just go insane. It's not pretty. Though, once a person feels like a need is met, everything evens out again, and they improve, or they start to dance again, not just move with the music. It may be a short and painless process, it may be long and dragged out, it all depends on you and your performance. Don't give in when you feel like giving up. That is one of the hardest things to do, it's hard not to walk off the floor and think "That sucked but whatever, no one cares." Someone will always care, someone will always see you struggling, and there will always be someone to see you succeed, it's just patience that decides its gonna take a vacation on you. But if this is what makes you happy, don't just throw the hard work away when you walk into the room and immediately feel out of place, work your way to the top.