You know when something happens to you that will change your life forever, whether good or bad? Well, my something would be my surgery. You know when certain things remind you of that certain happening… And they either drive you mad, or they fill you with momentary bliss? Yea.
I've been noticing these things, the most recent was the most dramatic, but I will talk about that in a minute. Smaller things, like smells, get to me, and I have a sudden flashback to the hospital bed, or the car ride home, or lying in bed, or my medical boots, or the scars (mostly the scars remind me of my scars…) but none of these things are enjoyable… Scents are the worst though, because they can either be really good, like the pancakes, or flowers, or soap… or they could be just terrible. I will see someone on the street and feel like I have seen them before, in the hospital maybe? I don't know, and quite frankly I could care less, if it wasn't always nagging my brain about who they are or where I saw them.
Then there are things I see daily, in my room. My crutches, for instance, were in my room until maybe December of 2011… My medical boots… Still in my room! Sitting under my desk, right now, at this very moment… Creepy… Or, there will be a pair of socks I had to carefully take on and off while being in bed… And when I see those particular socks I feel like tossing them in the trash even though they are perfectly fine… Little things like that bring me back… and it scares me. Recently, I became paralyzed with the fear that I would have to relive that terrible experience over again… I found myself choking on the very breath I tried to inhale. Scared and frozen over the fact that I was in pain… A pain so familiar, so unkind and uncomfortable… So unwelcome. Pain that I thought I would be rid of forever.
You know how, when a amputee patient has phantom feelings, like an itch on a limb that is no longer there? That is what this was like for me (though I in no way, compare myself to an amputee patient, because their suffering and strength is far greater than mine). I felt pain in my ankle, where that tiny little bone, that cause so many problems, had been… I felt the same tearing sensation I felt when I stretched my scar too far too soon… All these feelings threw me into uncontrollable sobs which crumpled me to the floor in the hallway at my ballet studio, the place I told myself I would do my best to control my emotions so that I didn't make a fool of myself. I was scared, scared to be hurting, scared to know exactly what this pain was, for it to be so "normal" something I know too well. Fear intensified the pain. Pain fueled the fear. I'm sure my classmates and teachers thought I was going insane, as well as my sister probably did too… She was there with me though, trying to help me get through the odd spasms of frustration, anger and dread… It's just something I can't explain though… I wasn't looking for sympathy, for pity looks, pouty faces or blown kisses… I wanted to escape. Leave the building, walk home… cry into my pillow… Just get out of the environment that causes stress…
When you can feel your heart beating against your rib cage, attempting to break through. When you can feel an intense shakiness in your hands that won't subside. When you can feel your pulse in the temples of your skull… You body just feels like it is going to topple in on itself… These are feelings you don't want to experience… When you are in so much physical pain you clench your hands as hard as possible, only causing a momentary distraction from one pain to another. You learn what your form of control is, mine is taking both arms, clenched fists, and raising them above or across my face, hiding or at least shielding my pain from others, though it doesn't work very well. I've realized that when I am hurt this becomes my "go to" position… It's not ideal… maybe I should work on something else more… I don't know… more effective?
Everyone has their own personal relapses… They aren't enjoyable, they aren't healthy. No one asks for just one more moment to remember pain and anguish. It happens to everyone. With some people it is unbearable, with others, it lasts only a matter of minutes… The scale tips one direction to another. No one likes a scale, but everyone is haunted with the weight that causes the shift… You can't avoid it, some things will never be far from our bodies grasp.
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