Kidding.
So, hmm… What do I want to talk about… Since I haven't made any decisions I am not sure what prompted the title… Whatever it was must have been a stroke of genius though. Oh, that's it. I haven't made any decisions. Still in the process. It isn't fun, all the things that I have to think about, the pros and cons… It hurts my head. I have college to think about, and Ballet… and I still don't know what is going to happen with either of those. I am trying to get through it one day at a time, but with each passing day, nothing is getting done, and it is freaking me out.
Ballet aside, my decisions are quite simple actually. I have three colleges I am choosing from…. But right now one is most prominent. My major? Mmm, history, or anthropology. My dream job, (remember, ballet aside) to work for National Geographic. Then I thought, maybe I could minor in international studies, or photography (random. so very random). I really, really, really want to be working on digs. Not dinosaur digs… I want to unearth history. Cultural history, connecting pieces of ancient cultures that haven't been put together yet, uncovering stories of people who we never knew about. Sounds pretty great to me… One day my sister said to me "Stacey! You could be a forensic anthropologist, that what Bones is.", for those of you who don't know, Bones is a TV show… I could not be a forensic anthropologist, if it's anything like what they depict on that show, I don't have a strong enough stomach… That stuff is pretty gross.
I am doing a research paper on the Incas and their culture, and i was reading in one of the books I got from the library, that there is a valley that and been virtually untouched by archaeologists because it has been continuously occupied, now that seems really frustrating, but I can't help but hope that someday, there will be teams in the field who get permission to dig around the outskirts of that valley, who uncover finds that are extremely valuable to history, and that I will be on one of those teams. Whenever I tell someone I want to become and archaeologist, most of the time the reaction I get is, "Oooo….Well I mean that's great if you want to be teaching in a classroom, or at a museum, and you don't mind the fact that you won't make much of a living.", oh thank you so much for your kind words. You get an award for encouragement. No. Maybe I won't mind teaching on something I am passionate about, and maybe money is not all that important to me, but whether or not those things matter, I have to try, because its my dream, if not anything else.
Then, there is the question about ballet, which seems so extremely hard to answer right now because it is. I won't know until the end of the summer whether i will be dancing next year or not, and it's causing stomach ulsters (But not really). I just want to know… I want to have a solid plan now… That isn't going to change on a whim. I am sure everyone knows what it feels like, but it gets tiring explaining my "future plans" every single day… I just end up feeling silly and overly hopeful. I am "attending" a summer program to be "considered" for a job, and I am also auditioning for another spot at my home studio which would be great, either job would be great! Any job in dance right now, would be great, but it is so uncertain, unstable… shaky… like an opportunity could shatter with one breath. I put on this "It'll all work out somehow" face, even though that phrase punches me square in the chest every time I hear it. The other day I was talking to a friend and she asked me whether ballet was more work, or fun, for me… I'd never been asked this question… and I actually had to think hard about it. I mean, obviously there are times where I literally feel like the only reason why I'm dancing is to get done, but then there are times where I don't want to leave the studio because I haven't emptied my body of movement yet… In my head, I stuttered the answer to her question.
Am I dancing only so that i will have a job? Or am I dancing for myself, for the love of dance? For the enjoyment it brings me, and other people? I realize I spend more time worrying about what I will be doing in a year, than enjoying what I am doing now. Sometimes I feel upset with myself for this, and sometimes i believe its necessary if i want to make it… I want to find that perfect balance between the two. I love to dance, with all my heart… I am happiest when I forget my life, forget myself and lose Stacey Schuett to dance. It's a powerful feeling, to lose yourself in something so strong… That is another thing. Strength. People dance all their lives, only to retire at some thirty-odd? That makes me so sad. They used up all their strength to put so much joy and passion into something that would give them happiness, even if it was a short but fun career. I want that… I want to be happy that I followed my first and strongest dream.
I just hope the curtain isn't lowered too soon.
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